Here is everything I couldn't say in my published articles this week.

1 » Don’t be a no-show

I am dumbstruck by how common this is. Many restaurants can only legally seat 10 customers at the moment with density restrictions. It is unfathomable that a table of people – which can constitute more than half of a venue’s capacity – might simply not rock up. Rest assured there’s a special place in hell for these no-shows. I hear it involves standing knee-deep in lava while Gordon Ramsay projects spittle and swear words into your face for all of eternity. Nude.

2 » Don’t book multiple venues for the same time

3 » Cancel with kindness

If you must pull out of a restaurant booking, give as much notice as possible. The only time it is acceptable to cancel with less than 24 hours’ notice is if you’re suddenly hospitalised. Or dead. (And of course if you have symptoms of illness, in which case don't wait to see if you "feel better later", give the restaurant notice – they'll likely have someone on a wait list or be able to fill your table through social media).

4 » Check in properly

Scan that QR code. Fill out that form. Give the correct details. You are not special – no one is going to give your information to Mark Zuckerberg – you are a cog in a contact-tracing system (you know, that thing you’ve been complaining about for the past six months that now exists and requires a QR code). Your name and embarrassing Hotmail address will be erased after 28 days.

5 » Don’t bitch & moan about credit card fees

6 » FFS, wear your mask

7 » Stick to your sitting

8 » No, you cannot bring one extra person

9 » Order like a king

10 » Respect others

You might feel comfortable in a restaurant, but you are not in your living room. Give other diners space. Don’t start a D-floor. Be kind to staff, even if service is a little slow or your food isn’t quite up to scratch. And FFS, if you leave a negative review somewhere, you’ll be joining your no-show mates in that special place in hell.

11 » BYO vibe

A mostly-empty restaurant will not have its usual atmosphere, and no one feels worse about it than the restaurant. Remember, this is not forever. Smile, laugh, flirt and order a second glass of champagne.

12 » Take the onus off restaurants

Be a COVID-safe diner. Read the Victorian Government’s official Industry Restart Guidelines for hospo. Read individual restaurant booking T&Cs (and if you’re organising for a group, fill them in, too). Share this email and let's get back to normal as quickly as possible.

 Thank you for doing the right thing in restaurants. Please forward this dispatch to someone who needs to see it ♥